Monday, April 09, 2012

balancing act

Balance.  That word is an interesting one.  At times it sounds beautiful and poetic.  Maybe because it sounds like 'ballet' and something that if achieved, is peaceful, soft, and well...


Balance.  The 'thing' I am searching for, working toward, wishing to find.  That doesn't seem like enough.  To be balanced I have to have 'just enough' of one thing, but not too much and 'just enough' of another thing, but not too little.  Does balance equal mediocre?  I want it ALL.  But that's not balanced. 

I love vivid, bold, and deep colors in my home.  My kitchen is a deep blue, my living room is a deep grass green, and my living room is a pumpkin spice orange.  Not bright, but bold.  Lately I've been seeing a lot of photographs of beautiful rooms with soft, muted tones.  Light gray-blues, creamy tans, buttery yellows.  "Hhmmm," I think.  "Maybe I want THAT."  I want both---in all their glory at the same time.  A balance isn't enough for me. 

The man and I have been thinking about building a new home.  Then, in a moment, we think maybe we want to buy a 100+ year old home and renovate it.  I want both---in all their glory at the same time. 

The good thing about these acts of balance that I can't seem to manage is that if I fail and fall, it's okay.  I'm not high above the ground on a tightrope.  I'll just fall and it will all be okay.

It's the other balancing acts I'm concerned about.  If I lose the balance and fall down on my mommy job, people can get hurt.  My kids can get hurt.  So I suppose I need to keep my balance. 

And just like that, the word 'Balance' is scary, overwhelming, and haunting me.  A word just out of reach that needs super balanced tippy toes to reach.  And a ballet dancer I am not.